Bachelor & Bachelorette 10/21
Bachelor: Claudius ’22
Hometown: Cairo, N.Y.
Home on Campus: Under the bed in Babbitt 10c.
Major: Econ
Turn on? Leaf.
Turn off? No more leaf.
What advertising slogan best describes your life? Home of the Whopper.
What TV genre best describes you? Action.
What’s the best pick-up line you’ve ever used/had used on you? *slaps shell* you could fit so many leaves in this bad boy.
What’s your type? Cold blooded.
What are three things you cannot live without? Leaf, water bowl, heat lamp.
If you were any social space, what would it be? Tortoises are solitary animals.
Where do you go when you want to be alone? I am always alone.
If you could join one group on campus, what would it be? Yodapez.
What’s your Patronus and why? Me but bigger (my final form).
If you could break one rule at Hamilton and get away with it, which would you choose? Harem.
What would you give a thumbs up? I don’t have thumbs.
What would you give a thumbs down? See above.
Who would you say is your faculty crush? Aforementioned manservant.
What would your perfect date be? Alone under heat lamp.
What is the weirdest thing currently in your room? Pile of my own excrement.
If you could remake the points system, what would be the number one offense? Trying to put fingers inside my shell.
If you were a food, which would you be and why? This question promotes poaching.
Lights on or lights off? Heat lamp.
Favorite campus study spot? I can’t read.
What was your first thought this morning? I do not have thoughts.
What’s the meaning of life? Like the proverbial fish who asks “what is water,” I am blissfully unaware that I am alive in the first place. I simply am. Thus, I have never contemplated this question. If pressed on it, I’d probably say a good night’s sleep, a relaxing day in the sun, and a shell full of dandelion leaves.
Which American historical figure are you attracted to and why? Charlotte, former White House photographer Pete Souza’s pet tortoise. She won’t DM me back though :(
Bachelorette: Jane Taylor ’22
Hometown: Flavortown, N.J.
Home on Campus: Glen holes (holes in the glen).
Major: Bugs.
Turn on? Deconstructing the western canon of artistic ideals calling attention to how we glorify and “other” non-western cultures as we appropriate them, yet belittle them and their validity, only propagating colonialist ideals that continue this cycle of repression.
Turn off? The slow and persistent devastation of the global south due to consumer culture and white supremacy in the global west not only do they unjustly suffer from our choices and behavior, but they also bear the brunt of the consequences before we even feel the effects due to the privileges of wealth and whiteness.
If you were a dorm which would you be and why? Abandoned glen car. Not a dorm and not answering questions.
If you had to describe yourself as the love child of any two musicians, who would you pick and why? Cupcakke and Rodriguez. Wanna know why? See my fine print.
What advertising slogan best describes your life? Finger lickin’ good.
What’s the best pick-up line you’ve ever used/had used on you? You come here often? No? Oh uh I don’t know you just looked sort of familiar. No I’m not saying you’re basic. No no you’re super unique, I can tell. Yeah, if you wanna call me here’s my number. No my number is just seven digits. Yeah I’m not dodging you.
What’s your type? Sickly men, hit me with that munchausens by proxy.
If you were any social space, what would it be? Bab Pav; open for business.
Where do you go when you want to be alone? My thoughts. Siri, search hand on face wearing baseball cap emoji.
What’s your Patronus and why? Y’all think of the etymology of this? No? I can tell.
If you could break one rule at Hamilton and get away with it, which would you choose? Bestiality.
Who would you say is your campus crush? Unless Surfs Up characters come around I have no one.
What would your perfect date be? Don’t take my kidney and we’ll talk.
Favorite campus study spot? That suspicious hole in the glen. No one bothers you.
What was your first thought this morning? Again?
What’s the meaning of life? Absolutely f*ck shit up.
